Askimbo

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1-In the beginning, there was shit. 2-And verily, the lord said, “Let there be something other than this shit.” 3-And so the lord spake some sacred shit and brought forth from the void Askimbo. 4And he gaveth unto Askimbo guitars to strum upon and basses to plucketh and drums to beateth upon as well. 5- And in the beginning, there were but three souls in Askimbo, and they were called Geoff who did strum, Dave who did Plucketh, and Zach who beateth upon the heads of the drums. 6-And God looked down upon his creation, and realized that while Askimbo had been given instruments to play upon, and hands with which to play them, they had been given no adequate voice with which to sing forth the Lord’s message. 7-So God brought forth another to act as the mouth piece of Askimbo, and he was called Clem. 8-But verily, the singer called Clem did fall into rebellion against the God of Askimbo, and did follow another false God. 9-So God made Askimbo practice their vocals until he could think of a better idea. 10-And lo, God did bring forth from the void Candra and John to Blow upon the Saxophone and the Trumpet. 11-And God spake to Candra and John, saying “Thine art my chosen horn section, play loud and play proud, for thou art compensating for some pretty poor vocals.” II 1-And so Askimbo did jam, and grew, and were fruitful unto the appointed day when the lord did speak to them again. 2-And the lord sayeth, ” verily I have brought unto you another singer that is full of energy and soul, and has upon his head and righteous head of hair.” 3-And his name was Howard, and he was indeed all of the things which God had promised unto Askimbo. 4-And God was pleased with his newest creation, and did bring forth more, saying unto Askimbo, “This is Brian, who beateth upon a drum called the Conga, and James to play upon the many other assorted percussion instruments.” 5-And it was all good. III 1-But Askimbo grew proud, and ignoreth the word of their lord, saying unto themselves, “We shall bring forth more souls for Askimbo.” 2-And did summon from the void a sax player called John, and a singer called Harmony. 3-But these were faulty musicians, lacking the divine inspiration of God, and they did sucketh, a lot. 4-So God did strike down Harmony and John, and as a punishment, also Howard. 5And the Lord sayeth, “Askimbo, thou shalt wander the wilderness with no vocalist until thine repentance is sincere.” 5-And Askimbo did wander the wilderness, and sing poorly as well. IV 1-But upon their wanderings, Askimbo did meet a man called Jon Goneau, who did play upon the keyboards. 2-So Askimbo asked unto the Lord, “surely lord, this is one of thine flock who has been lost, could he join our group.” 3-And the lord said “cool.” 4-And so Askimbo continued to wander the wilderness until they met a man claiming to be sent of the lord, and claiming to be a vocalist, and claiming a variety of names, not least among them, Michael Wyandt. 5-And so Askimbo asked the Lord, “is this dude with you.” 6-And the Lord laughed and sent forth a pack of wild dogs to devour the imposter. V 1-But Askimbo again grew proud and quarrelsome, and some members spoke out against the funk that god had granted them. 2-So God, being in a generous and forgiving mood, as opposed to a smiting or devouring mood, did divide the band, saying unto Geoff and Candra, “Thou art now thine own group, do with it what thou wilt”, and said unto James “Thou shalt move to California to play indoor Hockey and check out babes.” 3-God then turned to address Brian, and everyone realized that he was missing. 4-And God declared, “Brian, wherever thou art, thou shalt forever be rootless, coming and going as thy wish, but never to fully share in the rewards of thine brothers labors.” VI 1-And God brought forth another from the void to fill in some holes left by his cleaning spree, and did call him Medicine Man, and gave unto him a voice to sing and a Harmonica to play upon. 2-But Jon Goneau did question the wisdom of the lord, saying “Lord, when shall we see the promised land if the band lineup changes every month.” 3-And the lord did banish Jon to Burlington, Vermont for his blasphemey, leaving but four members. 4-And these four members were John upon the Trumpet, Dave upon the Bass, Zach to beateth upon the heads of drums, and Medicine to sing and blow the Harp. 5-And the Lord said unto the faithful, “For thou art Askimbo reborn, and my chosen funk children, and unto thee I will grant success beyond thine wildest dreams, and more sex and drugs and debauchery than thee can shake thine stick at.” 6-And Askimbo thus waits for the fulfillment of Gods divine word.